This is a time of intense emotional
development.
Your child is feeling strong
emotions: frustration, anger, rage.
Your child is venting, and has no
coping skills beyond verbal expression.
When they were two or three this
looked like a temper tantrum, their venting was usually physical.
Be thankful, verbal expression of
strong emotion is much more acceptable than outright violence, if they have not
moved beyond that in their twos and threes.
Discipline calmly.
And remember your child still has
little impulse control, and is feeling out of control.
Try to look at this not as
misbehavior, but as mistaken behavior.
Do not let anger, hurt feelings,
strong emotions interfere with your ability to be the adult.
Don’t let your feelings become the
focus of the discipline.
Let the child’s words and any hurt
feelings of your own flow over you.
Respond, don’t react.
Never engage in a shouting match.
Model calmness and respectful
behavior
Separate the content from the rant.
Try to identify the triggers, or
other patterns to the behavior.
Then find ways to help yourself and
your child recognize them before they happen.
Acknowledge the child’s emotions.
Acknowledge how it makes you feel.
Talk to your child as a child not as
a hardened criminal.
“I see that you are feeling _________ right
now about ___________.”
Balance
love and limits.
“I love
you, but I won’t listen to you when you speak to me this way.”
“You don’t
have to agree with me, or even like me right now, but you will be respectful.”
Choose a
mantra and use it over and over and over. Encourage every adult who experiences
your child’s disrespect to use the same words. Only say it once. Only say it
calmly.
Disengage: Turn away, leave the
room, stop the car, leave the grocery store.
Get past the outburst.
Let your child know such behavior
serves only to end negotiations.
Have conversations about respectfulness when your child is not out of control.
Suggest ways your child can deal
with their emotions in positive and respectful ways.
Remind yourself and your child that
the reward of respectful behavior is relationship.
Help them find ways to regain
control, so they can respond rather than react.
“There is nothing wrong with being
angry, everyone feels that way, it’s what you do with your emotions that can
make them hurtful and dangerous.”
Do rewinds. “How could you have said
the same thing more respectfully?”
“Our family treats people, pets, and
possessions with respect.”
Attention to bad behavior increases
bad behavior.
In a power struggle, the child will
always win.
Positive attention will always have
a longer lasting effect on a child’s behavior.
Catch your child being respectful,
and let them know it. Enthusiasm counts.
Consequences must be immediate,
consistent, and powerful (mean a lot to the child).
Time out should be used only to
regain control – there are times, you may need to let your child know that they
have made you so angry, or hurt you so badly that you feel out of control and
need to put yourself in time out to regain your control.
Biblically, disrespect is the
primary root of disobedience.
Adam and Eve did not respect God’s
command, Cain and Abel….
Make respect your one non-negotiable
standard.
Proverbs 13:13; Deuteronomy 5:16; 1
Thessalonians 4:11-12; Galatians 6:7
Crider, Alice. Focus on the Family
Magazine ©2009
Davis, Jorja. BAEd, MSLIS, MEd (ECE) http://nana911.blogspot.com
Kazdin, Alan, M. D., Yale University
Parenting Center and Child Conduct Center
Offut, Richard, Psy. D., Practice of Clinical Psychology with Children, Adolescents
and Adults. Smyrna GA
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